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Harsh Realities of Social Media: Popular Jock Asshole Guy


A few years have passed since high school.  Your creativity is slipping further into extinction after every work week and a decent paycheck distorts your perception of time.  A comfortable routine has accidentally created an empty life, while the burden of responsibility prevents you from doing anything about it. Browsing through social media confirms that irrelevancy is a trait also shared by most of your peers.

Then you see him.  His profile picture flaunts an intimidating jaw line and naturally straight teeth, somehow chip-free despite years of contact sports. It’s Popular Jock Asshole Guy.

Film and television has led everyone to believe that he can’t survive in a practical society. He’s meant to peak early and fizzle away into obscurity, spending the rest of his days stretching out the fabric in his varsity jacket.  His life is supposed to be a lesson in perseverance, taught by the universe since Jews took over Hollywood.  You’ve been lied to.  Social media exposes the truth in the situation:  Popular Jock Asshole Guy is doing way better than you.

Physically, he’s still in great condition – a healthy 12% body fat. He’s an active participant in Cross Fit, Tough Mudder, and a few other trendy workouts that involve lots of positive, faux entrepreneurial-minded friends.  At this point, he’s dealing with male pattern baldness, but that’s due to high levels of testosterone, caused by more than a decade of gluttonous sexual behavior. He is most certainly a heavy cummer.

He’s married to a beautiful woman that showers him with affection whenever there’s a camera nearby. She is totally submissive towards him, suppressing any opposing viewpoint or original thought while blindly adopting his ideology as her own. Fearing any loss of attraction, she has yet to fart in his presence and opts to take nervous, inconspicuous shits while he sleeps.  She has a strong online social presence that has really taken off since posting a picture of her latest tattoo. She’ll often go out of her way to upload workout inspirations of ‘her journey,’ and starves herself just enough to be convinced that her morning trips to local gym’s elliptical are paying off.

He has two kids with his wife, both boys.  The children show early signs of narcissistic behavior, but are gorgeous and free of any icky learning disabilities that are carried by the poor and ugly. Just like their father, the boys are athletically gifted and are on their way to becoming Popular Jock Assholes themselves.

Roaming his home is a purebred Border Collie.  It does tricks on-command and protects the children from long-fingered pedophiles.  He also has a neglected cat that has been grandfathered in from marriage. The dog and the children are all encouraged to make the kitty’s life miserable, re-emphasizing the alpha-male spirit that looms over the household.

Popular Jock Asshole Guy sleeps easy at night knowing his biceps are bulging, his wife is a dime, his children aren’t fags, and his dog will never have an accident inside the house.

Shame on you for believing his life wouldn’t be this perfect.